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Golden Globes 2015 Fashion Round-up featuring Jordan Catalano's Man Braid

Jan 13, 2015

It was supposedly the last year Tina and Amy will host the Golden Globes (I'm completely convinced, based on nothing at all, that it's going to be an elaborate joke that we won't get the punchline to until next January).

 And I'm still not married to Jordan Catalano. Jared Leto. Either will do.

Our babies would have such beautiful hair...*sigh*

Greer Grammer in Lorena Sarbu: Kelsey's daughter and star of "Awkward" was the 2015 Miss Golden Globes, or the official person to deal with drunk people on stage this year, and she looked absolutely dreamy. She made a statement without stealing the show with this whimsical, airy gown.

Julia Goldani Telles: I don't watch "Bunheads", but here's another young starlet who got it right (foreshadowing: the eldest actresses got it way, way wrong). I love how the royal blue stands out on the red carpet, and that plunging neckline is anything but risqué. 

Naomi Watts in Gucci: Really it's Naomi Watts in an asp necklace, which I'm kind of torn on to be honest. My initial inclination was to think another necklace -- or none at all -- would have looked better, but it definitely wouldn't have caught as much attention. 

Anna Kendrick in Monique Lhuillier: I think this cabernet color is Anna's, and she looks like a fairy princess in this without looking like she's going to prom (*cough cough* more foreshadowing).

Amal Clooney in Dior: Everyone loves Amal but I don't see what all the hoopla is about so I'm just gonna say it: I hated these white gloves. They look pretentious and are distracting from a dress that was, to be fair, pretty easy to be distracted from in the first place. 

Tina Fey: I love Tina but I hate her stylist! UGH! She is in so much black and white all the time, and I don't understand it. Remember last year when she wore that merlot jeweled number and her hair was all fluffy? That was en pointe. This black and white business has to go, for starters. Next? The hoop skirt. She is wearing a hoop skirt. Why. The top of the red carpet look is actually cute, but the rest is awful. And her main stage dress was so strangely constructed, with the hill neckline, black front panel and icicles dangling from her chest. 

Melissa McCarthy: Oh come onnnnnnnn. What is happening with this skirt from Dress Barn with a librarian's blouse tucked into it and the sparkle scarf I used as a shawl for Homecoming in the 10th grade tied in a bow? Melissa's makeup is so pretty and she is so pretty and this outfit is so sad.

Jessica Chastain in Versace: I rarely like black on the red carpet, but Jessica's hat tip to Marilyn Monroe was so stinkin' glam! I love the gold shimmer and how her hair cascades on one side. 

Patricia Arquette: This was kind of a comeback for Patricia, and she really blew it. I think, in general, shoulder poofs are just bad. (Remember Paula Patton last year?) But what's worse is the neckline, which is too high and ill fitting and manages to make her look short and neckless.  

Jennifer Aniston in Saint Laurent: I think this is supposed to look like a tuxedo? It has those rectangular sequins on the top, which reminds me of the juniors section at JC Penny. It's not really flattering at all, and her jewelry is also underwhelming. 

Gina Rodriguez in Badgley Mischka: Gina was so cute on the red carpet. She owned up to the fact that her dress wasn't all that impressive, but it was the second one she tried on and she loved the way it made her feel. Her brother told her it didn't even matter because she'd be back on the red carpet next year. I wasn't blown away, but she looked great, and she looked even better when she accepted her award.

Emily Blunt in Michael Kors: Very Grecian from head to toe, and her turquoise jewelry pops! 

Kate Hudson in Versace: All I could think was "nip slip!" when I saw Kate go onstage. I think it was fine though. I mean, if you can work a dress like this, do it I guess. But I wouldn't want people thinking "nip slip!" when I'm strutting around in a white dress.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Narciso Rodriguez: You know what? This is super boring and Julia looked like she was having a ball. She knows how to wear a dress without letting it wear her, and she keeps all the attention on her acting. It's ballsy in its own way. 

Rosamund Pike in Vera Wang: *Should I make a "Gone Girl" pun?* Cutouts were big in the fashion world in 2014. This just looks unfinished. And may I just's one thing to bear your girls the way Kate does it, clearly with lots of fashion tape or something magical under there, but to just let them be, without any attempt to hoist them? It makes no sense to me.

Chrissy Teigen in Zuhair Murad: Beautiful designs, perfect fit, she's married to John Legend and I live in a basement. 

Julianne Moore in Givenchy: Okay. Hold the phone. This dress is fierce and Julianne's hair looks like flames on top of it! Julianne always looks great, but this has to be one of my favorite looks on her.

Reese Witherspoon in Calvin Klein: I know it's simple, but Reese is a simple lines kinda gal. I think she looks gorgeous, even if it's not the most imaginative dress. 

Kate Beckinsale in Elie Saab: Kate always puts forth effort, even if I don't have a clue what she's doing these days. Buns are not my favorite hairdo for the red carpet, but I think hers is well fitted for this beaded gown. 

Salma Hayek in Alexander McQueen: Salma looked like the frosting on a cupcake and I absolutely love it! Also, she was so gracious under fire when Kevin Hart kept improvising onstage. 

Kerry Washington in Mary Katrantzou: It's no secret that I hate everything Kerry Washington wears to awards shows, and I'm not surprised she would then sport the awful ankle length trend with a mauve and periwinkle gown made from a vintage sofa and pair it with black and red shoes. And is she carrying a car cassette tape player? I can't tell.

Julianna Margulies: A dress made from a 19th century chair is less offensive than a vintage sofa I suppose, but...why? 

Danielle Brooks: I actually think this dress could have been fab if it was either straight or flared out into a true gown -- and obviously if it went all the way to the floor. 

Tina Fey: I know I already addressed this, but she looks like she belongs at the Mad Hatter's tea party, right? Blerg Tina!!!

Kate Mara: Whatever fabric this is, it looks super rich dyed red. I'm not crazy about the belt, but Kate's snow white skin against this gown is flawless.

Helen Mirren in Dolce & Gabbana: Git it girl. I could never figure out what that broach was (a fountain pen was the best I could come up with), but she looks sassy and fabulous.

Allison Williams in Armani Prive: Yes, Allison evokes a Christmas ornament just a bit, but I think the sparkly tiers are beautiful.

Heidi Klum in Versace: Heidi needs to cool it with the tanning, and her teeth are a little too white, but this dress was obviously made for her and isn't over-the-top sparkly.

Lena Dunham in Zac Posen (who is her former babysiiter): IT DOESN'T EVEN FIT YOU LENA. WHY WOULD YOUR BABYSITTER DO THIS TO YOU??? 

It doesn't. Even. Fit.

Viola Davis in Donna Karan Atelier: This is one of those dresses that I wonder if it looked really great in person but didn't photograph well. Viola looks amazing, but this shade of red, the super shiny material and all those funny pebble flourishes are too distracting.

Taylor Schilling in Ralph Lauren Collection: I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think this gown should have a bodice, not a bathing suit top. Amiright? 

Allison Janney in Ella Zahlan: This dress has entirely too much material and should not be tied in a bow around her neck. She kind of looks like a dancer in this, and maybe she felt like one too, but the way she's pointing her toe. 

Jane Fonda in Versace: But the worst red offender is Jane Fonda. What. Is she wearing?? Sparkle arm is one thing, but what's with the gash that her assistant tried to safety pin together real quick?

Nancy O'Dell: Another disappointing runway trend, and another bad blue dress from my favorite local TV news anchor when I was a kid. Besides the bib, I hate that you can see the seam going down the front of her body.

Jenna Dewan-Tatum in Carolina Herrera: It's a bib, y'all. Why??

Camila Alves: There is nothing flattering about this bib, and at least three designers are doing it. 

Kristen Wiig: At least it's not a bib? Out of the four, this is not the worst, but the flowy pale dress thing is lost on me. 

Jared Leto: So. Hot. Can't. Stand it.

Eddie Redmayne in Gucci velvet tuxedo: So. Cute. That's his wife who's holding his velvet tuxed arm.

Tina Fey: You know what? I hate a tux on a lady, but of all the awful outfits she wore? This one is pretty badass -- it's a lady's tux, and it's a joke with the sequined bowtie. Okay Tina, you win.

Emma Stone in Lanvin: This outfit is crazy, but I love it. It fits Emma to a tee and she looks like she's having fun.

Lorde in Narciso Rodriguez: I...don't hate this as much as I want to. I mean, I think it's a totally inappropriate look for the Golden Globes, and what is Lorde even doing there, but she doesn't look deranged, which is something.

Maggie Gyllenhaal in Miu Miu: It's MAUVE. WHY is this color making a comeback? The dress is okay but she needs a necklace and a new haircut. Seriously. I feel no remorse making fun of Maggie Gyllenhaal because she said seeing real women in movies really turns her on, making it possibly the most awkward moment of the night.

Ruth Wilson in Prada: If I were going to the Golden Globes, I would not wear a mock turtleneck with a line crossing my hoo hoo.

Lana Del Rey: I did not even recognize her and I thought it was Lisa Marie Presley, actually, then I realized Lisa Marie would probably never do this look again, so I had to turn to Google to figure out who this was. It's waify, ghostlike Lana Del Rey in a Bump-It and a pleated polyester dress with a bow on it, that's who.

Felicity Jones in Christian Dior: Again with the mock turtleneck. And a pleat where the neckline should be. Which, now that I'm thinking about it, might actually be a good look for Maggie Gyllenhaal?

Katie Holmes in Marchesa: Prom for the girl without a personality. Right?? And I could do without the limp extensions.

Keira Knightley in Chanel: This is the most fun look of the night because it's so wackadoodle! I would like to point out that Keira is wearing a doily around her neck and she has butterflies all over her CHANEL dress and a butterfly corsage to boot. 

Claire Danes in Valentino: I don't even know what this is but she's missing her castanets. 

Lupita Nyong'o in Giambattista Valli: She was so elegant last awards season and then she got cray cray, and now she's somewhere in the middle with a decorative pillow taped to the top of her dress.

Zosia Mamet in Andrew Gn: For starters, it doesn't fit. Ugh, do I have to talk more about this? I don't understand why Zosia and Lena choose to taunt us at every awards show with their horrible, more-expensive-than-my-car gowns.

I think best dressed was Julia Goldani Telles worst was so hard to choose but probably Jane Fonda. 

Happy Awards Season!

1 comment:

  1. Your posts are really high quality, Mary El - I really enjoy reading them!