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Bridget Jones's fear of being eaten by an Alsatian was a little off

Mar 11, 2014

Have y'all seen this? About the mummified woman?

Besides the obvious sad part(s) of this story, a personal sad part is that I'm not all that shocked by it, for two reasons:

1. Bridget Jones's Diary was THE chick-flick of my generation, and therefore I've shared Bridget's concerns of permanent spinsterhood since I was 20 years old.

2. Anne made me watch Dreams of A Life, a docudrama about a woman who was dead for three years in her London flat before anyone noticed she was missing, a few months ago on Netflix when we were supposed to be having a relaxing girls' night.

And now, with this Michigan woman (the trend has made its way to America!!!), I'm a little bit worried.

The obvious push-back questions are:

Did she have any family? 

What about her job? They would have contacted her. 

She must have had friends, right?! Neighbors, at least?

What about her bills? 

The scariest thing about both of these stories -- and why Bridget had a valid fear but her fear wasn't nearly as bad as it should have been, because according to her she'd be eaten by dogs within three weeks, but the more probable fate was mummification -- is that every question you can come up with has some fluke answer to it, and all these little coincidences add up to these women dying, fat? (we don't know, they're mummified) and alone, and being found years later.

What I want to know is, why is this just happening to women?!!

Okay. Here's what we have to do ladies.

1. Get a buddy. Everyone gets busy, but your buddy and you will check in on each other at least once a month. Anne and I like to send each other this text: "Sanity check". Not only do we confirm the other is still living, we make sure neither of us is having a nervous breakdown about dying fat and alone.

2. Get to know your neighbors. It's too easy these days to not be a part of your community. I make a point to talk to all my neighbors and get to know their dogs' names. Okay so I don't know most of my neighbors' names, but it's something. At least if you die and start to smell, their dogs will come asniffin' and they'll know something is up.

3. Make sure your emergency contact on work, medical and other forms isn't your ex-boyfriend. Chances are he will feel too awkward to look into it, but if he does look into it, how awkward would that be if he has to call your mom?!

4. Cancel your automatic payments; OR be generally poor and it won't be a problem. If you have tens of thousands of dollars in your checking account, which is what your auto-payments are linked to, you need to move that money over to your savings account and not allow it to back up your checking in case of overdraft. Also, you should take me on vacation with you.

5. Train your dog to dial 911 if you should be on the brink of death. If anyone knows how to do this, please contact me.



  1. We should get those Fitbit thingys - just so that we can keep tabs on each other. Then again, you may confuse my lack of activity as being dead but really, it is just my normal level of no activity.