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An open letter to all dudes and their penises

Feb 21, 2014

Dear Dudes,

Congratulations! You have a penis! We ladies are really happy for you. We know how important your penis is to you, and we try our best to have the utmost respect for your penis, which we are keenly aware is directly tied to your ego.

Your penis is important to us, too! Without it, we could never have babies.

It's just that...a lot of us aren't trying to have babies right now. And we only need one penis for that, and we'd like to choose it. So, I hate to break this to you, but your penis is nowhere on our list of items that interests us.

I know this comes as a shock to many of you. But someone needs to say it. Because we are all tired of you sending us pictures of your penis.

Pics seem to be the preferred method of showing off your penis to us these days, thanks to smart phones and Twitter. It's certainly not the only method that we city girls face, though.

Why do you have to urinate on the wall of CVS? Why not find a bathroom?

Why did you put on a trench coat and flash us on Halloween? Do you know that we called the cops to report it and described your penis as "maybe an inch and a half"?

Why do you leave your used condoms all over the sidewalk? Are they trophies or something? Can't you walk four more steps to the trashcan? And why are you doing that outside anyway??

So let me be clear here -- we are all a bit desensitized to seeing your penis. We will still gasp and say "Eew!" when an unsolicited penis flings into our line of view, but we're not all that impressed. And yet, penis pics continue to pop up, unexpected and uninvited.

Do you do it because you think it will up your chances with us?

Do you do it because you are hoping to get similar photos back from us?

Do you do it to get a rise out of us?

Do you do it to get back at us for something?

Whatever the reason, I feel like I should tell you what happens when we receive a penis pic.

The first time, we are shocked, feel violated and worry that the sender will take it a step further. We lay low for a few days until we forget about it.

The second time, we think, Other dudes do this? We are totally grossed out and feel kinda violated, so we tell a few friends to gauge their reaction and then forget about when their response is simply, "Eew!"

The third time and every time thereafter, we roll our eyes and think, Again?! Ugh. Boys. Unless we happen to be having margaritas with our girlfriends, and then this is what happens:

Photo Recipient: "I just got a penis pic."
Friends: "Eew! Show us!"
*PR shows Friends photos*
PR and Friends in unison: "Eeeew!"
Friend 1: "It's really small."
Friend 2: "It's kind of crooked."
PR: "I don't even know who this guy is."
*squeals and laughter from girls at table nearby*
PR: "Are y'all comparing Tinder matches?"
Girl 1: "Yes! Show us yours!"
PR: "I'll do you one better. Some dude just sent me a penis pic."
Girls: "Eeeeewwww!"
*dudes nearby overhear us*
Dude 1: "That's so gross."
Friend 2: "I know! And it's really small! Wanna see?"

And so forth.

So I'm just wondering, regardless of the reasoning behind sending a photo of your prized penis, do you really want a bunch of girls and other dudes making fun of it?

And here's the other thing -- if we know you, then, um, we know you. Then not only are we laughing at your penis, we're laughing at you.

If we don't  know you, we do know one thing -- your phone number. Because you texted us. Do you understand that we have your phone number? And the Internet? And that it's not all that difficult to find out more information about you?

For instance, your initials may be "PH." Perhaps you live in Columbia Heights. And work in Silver Spring, I'm guessing?

This is all hypothetical, of course. I'm just throwing out some examples here.

So, dudes, the next time you are considering sending a picture of a penis -- solicited or not -- I really want you to think about what might happen next. I guarantee you it won't be anything favorable toward you.



  1. Barbara Kelley FrankFri Feb 21, 11:36:00 AM

    The things I've missed out on by being 61! Never happened to me of course I didn't have all of the digital age toys until I was late 40s. I'm also appalled by the fact that almost every catalog I receive-even ones you totally wouldn't expect Iike Vermont Country Store-have an inventory of "personal massagers" that all look so freaky I would be afraid I'd damage an important part of myself if I ever tried one.

  2. Ohhhh you're missing out on SO much, haha. That's really disturbing about the Vermont Country Store catalog!!!

  3. Ewwww!

    But this post was hilarious.

  4. Thank you for the laugh today,,