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Online Dating: Who Makes the First Move? (with a dash of racism)

Dec 20, 2013

In the first post I wrote in my Online Dating Series, I touched upon the issue of rejection: 

"You're about to get rejected a lot. Deal with it. And don't take it personally. The truth is, as a girl, you're getting way more messages, winks, pokes, likes, and whatever they come up with next, than guys. And generally in life, guys get rejected way more than girls do. Think about this: By the age of 30, you've been rejected, what, a couple of times a year since you turned 15? So let's say 30 times. Guys get rejected every week. That's 780 times. (Please note: I conducted no scientific research, I'm just estimating.) Again, don't feel bad for them, but also don't make a big deal about it when it happens to you. There are plenty of other idiot guys to get attention from."

Well, now we have some scientific-ish evidence to back it up.

Last summer, blogger John Millard conducted an experiment on OKCupid in which he discovered women are inundated with messages and replies while men barely get any. Below are the mock profiles he set up and monitored, and the results after four months:

Don't feel too bad. Last month AYI reported that Asian women were the top choice for everyone online, and Caucasian women mostly prefer Caucasian men, who mostly like everyone but them. (Read more details here if you're confused.) And to get even more racist, OKCupid reports that black women reply more than anyone but receive the fewest replies. On the flip side, white guys respond the least of all but receive the most replies.

And then there's this little infographic (note how far down on the list redheads are):

Now that we've admitted everyone's a little bit racist, let's get down to business. I felt the need to bring all this up first, though, to put the asking out in a little perspective. See, a lot of us gals feel awkward asking out guys, and worse, we've gone against our rules before and made the first move online and had little or no success.

I asked my bachelors how they felt about a being the first to make a move online. This was the immediate response I received from one of them:

And he followed up with this: I would ask a girl out if she contacted me first.

Bachelor Matt (@djsheeno) said:

I think more people would be dating and getting together if women acted on their interests and contacted the guy first, asked out the guy, sent a text (or called) instead of waiting for him to text/call. 

If the AYI evidence is any indicator, it seems like guys would jump at the chance to talk to girls who reach out to them first. But then there's that pesky OKCupid data...paradox upon paradox...

So let's dig deeper. Here's what survey respondents thought:

Sampling of Respondents' Answers:

If a guy doesn't have the balls to ask me out, he's already emasculated enough without me being the one to ask him out.

I wouldn't go out with a guy who didn't have the balls to ask me out. BUT - I know other girls who have no problem with it and it works for them... so whatever works for the individual.

My Thoughts:

Fine. Whoever wants to do the asking can do the asking. I'm a Southern belle and therefore it's very, very hard for me to ask out a guy. It's a fear deeply rooted in the fact that I asked out a guy I met at Spanish camp once and was put on restriction when my mother found out. I may, however, sort of ask out a guy that has taken me out on at least two proper dinner dates by saying something like, "Hey I have these tickets I got for this event a while ago and my friend was supposed to go to with me but she bailed so I thought you might be interested but no big deal if not I can always find someone else." It's important that I say that entire sentence in one breath to ensure he understands I'm not asking him out even though I am. The key points I must make sure I hit before he answers are:

1. I got the tickets before I even knew him. (Was actually just looking for an excuse to see him again because he hadn't called since last date so I'm trying to keep the momentum going.)
2. My friend was going to go with me. (Probably never said a word to the friend, but perhaps texted something to the friend along the lines of I'm going to ask that guy I like to go, but if he can't, do you want to go?)
3. I can always find someone else. (I want him to know I have lots and lots of options, but in reality most girls plan their social calendars at least a week in advance, and unless Robin Thicke is going to be there, they're probably not going to go with me.)

But, for the rest of you, ask each other out! Live life! Dance like you just listened to Ignition (Remix) on repeat for an hour! 

By the way? I thought I'd found my future husband on OKCupid the other day, and I took these thoughts to heart and wrote him a message first. Guess what Y'ALL?!?!?!? HE MESSAGED ME BACK! And then I messaged him again and he messaged me and then I replied and then he went all white guy on me and gave me radio silence and it's probably because I'm a redhead

Thanks a lot, guys. Now not only will I be single forever but I'm actually considering changing my hair color. 

1 comment:

  1. nice blog..i enjoyed reading it..Trend of online dating is increasing day by day..All of my
    friends are involved in online dating stuff. It is much easier than meeting
    someone in person and wasting time in get preliminary information.keep up good work. stay blessed.