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The Second Time in My Life I Was Really White in Front of A Member of Outkast

Oct 11, 2013

Buzzfeed is trying to start a meme about black people being not amused by white people antics, which reminded me about the Big Boi concert I went to last week with still-furloughed Anne.

The first time I encountered a member of Outkast (Andre 3000) was 12 years ago while I was on a date with a married pothead (both qualities were unbeknownst to me until that evening). We were walking out of the Regal Hollywood 24 and there he was with his six-year-old. Did I mention all four of us were there to see the late showing of Hannibal? I tried to go say hi, which would have either come out as "Fo shizzle my nizzle YKK on your zipper!" or "OHMYGOSHANDRE3000ILOVEYOUAHHHHH!" (Both equally white introductions.) Sadly, my date got protective (of Andre, not me) and gave me a sneak peak into what dating him would be like when he grabbed my arm and jerked me back.


Last week when businesses around DC started offering free stuff to federal employees, Howard Theatre jumped on the freewagon and gave out tickets to see Big Boi, and I saw an opportunity to interface with the other half of Outkast and therefore be able to tell people I've almost met Outkast and not just Andre 3000.

Technically I'm neither furloughed nor a federal employee, but I do have an ID so I took advantage of this deal.

And I got a free doughnut at Astro Doughnuts. SORRY! If it's any consolation, everyone's probably going to get back-pay and I still had to work under very stressful circumstances.

Wednesday night I met Anne in front of the Howard Theatre, and she had a few furloughed buddies with her. Everyone was relaxed and in a great mood except for me since I had to work late, find an alternative route home since streets around the White House were blocked off for some reason, shove three spoonfuls of cold mac and cheese down my gullet and feel guilty about taking out Noli then immediately leaving.

It was standing room only inside, and the opening act was running late, so we all got drinks and made small talk about things that made us all sound really white. I looked around and was not surprised at all to find we were in the vast minority and the worst dressed people in the place. I took to social media to make myself feel cool again.

The first guy came onstage finally, and the crowd went wild, and I realized my feet hurt. I noticed a couple cuddling at a six-person table and made a bee line over to them.

"Mind if I sit here until Big Boi comes onstage?" The guy didn't answer. The girl looked me over then nodded yes. I sat down and made a mental note: You could learn a thing or two from her.

My attempt at a "going out" outfit
Two more guys did their thing before we got to Big Boi. No one seemed to mind because, I assume, they were either used to this kind of concert format or they were furloughed and were on no real schedule. I fell into neither category. All I could think about was how good chicken fingers would taste right then (because people around me were ordering them) and how I was spiraling into tiredness and wasn't going to last much longer. To stay awake, I internally criticized the performers.

None of them had talent, as far as I could tell. Anyone can get up there and yell into a microphone. Half the stuff didn't even rhyme, and if it did, it was words like "duck," "luck" and "suck" to rhyme with, well, you know. Even the guy on the turntables wasn't doing that great of a job. So I again took to social media to make myself feel cool and show I am a true hip hop expert.
Then DJ Qbert followed me on Twitter and I felt EVEN COOLER.

And then Killer Mike came on and I almost walked out of the place.

This guy was so incredibly offensive. He was hating on the government, which is fine, but he took it way too far.
Then he hated on every religion he could remember existed. Then he hated on prescription drugs and talked a lot about how doctors want to give you a pill to help you lose weight. Clearly his doctor offered something like this to him because he wasn't taking any other advice, and instead he rebelled against all the advice and became obese. And the fact that he had to give us a long speech before every song to explain to us what the song was about shows me that he's a terrible lyricist. (How cool am I for using the word "lyricist"?!) During his rant rapping, the couple at my table got up and left, so I know I wasn't the only one who didn't care for him.

At 9:45, when Killer Mike said he had all night and was gonna take his time, I decided I was leaving at 10 unless Big Boi came onstage. Thankfully, a couple of minutes before I turned into a pumpkin, he did. And he was AWESOME.

Kanye ain't got nothin on Big Boi.
He played all the great hits, including "Rosa Parks," "Ghettomusik," "The Way You Move" and "So Fresh and So Clean." Anne and I took turns photobombing Big Boi as we attempted to sing/rap along. 

I danced until 11:30 and then gave in to the fact that I had a job to report to in the morning. It was the first time in my friendship with Anne that I showed signs of being old before she did.

And then this happened:

White people antics

I wrote a really great comeback, but my phone died before I tweeted it to this stranger who only has, like, six followers. I said something along the lines of "Well guess what IDIOT I was hashtagging #ATLiens because both @BigBoi and I are from Atlanta, so YOU just embarrassed YOURSELF!!!"

The next day I was too tired and busy at work to tweet Trent "Asshat" Walker, but I did complain to Anne about it when we met for free doughnuts that afternoon, and she responded, smiling and singsonginly and all children-of-the-corn-like, Stepford-wives-like, "Don't engage."

I miss non-furloughed, stressed out, no-time-for-this-shizz Anne. If this shutdown lasts much longer, we're going to have 800,000 mentally disabled people on our hands. But at least we'll have Obamacare to cover their medical expenses.

BURN! That's called IRONY, my friends.

What's NOT ironic? A white girl trying to fit into a black crowd by bragging about the vegan pizza she ate with a DJ. Now does everyone understand the difference? (I'm lookin' at you, Mr. President...)

1 comment:

  1. And that will be the last time that you appear older than me. Say Au revoir to Furlough Anne. Crazy, stressed out Anne is back.