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Boy Band Bonanza Part II: Important Things I Learned from Justin Bieber's Believe Tour

Oct 15, 2013

Yesterday, on the day of Columbus aka It's-Time-To-Clean-Out-Your-Closet Day, the Biebs dropped his newest video. See the EXCLUSIVE here! (see, not hear)

No one's sure why there's no sound, or why he decided to make a mockery of the Great Wall of China, or why he's still wearing a diaper as a bona fide sex symbol to 10-year-olds and thirtysomethings.

But I am sure of one thing:

As promised (two months ago), here are all the amazing details of that time I took K to see JB on his Believe Tour. I should state for the record that I am a Belieber but K is not a Belieber. Our Bieberifferences caused some awkward moments, but we're still friends. I should also warn you that I'm going to be saying things like "Bieberinfferences" throughout this post. 

1. Beliebers have terrific lung capacity. The screaming begins the minute the opening act goes offstage. It is constant and spikes for no apparent reason. This is what we call "Bieber Fever." 

2. The Biebs can fly. Still not sure what this had to do with anything, but the crowd loved it. 

3. The Biebs can danceswim. Also very confused about this. Mermaid angels were dance-swimming all around him. Is there a metaphor I'm missing here?

4. The Biebs has his his own fashion police force, so don't even bother. Diaper or skirt? We couldn't figure it out. Also, he had a new haircut that resembled the front of George Washington's wig. 

5. The Biebs is quite the romantic. Except, as we found out, he should never serenade a girl in real life because he is an atrocious singer. Everything you hear on the radio is auto-tuned. In real life, his voice still hasn't dropped and he's very nasaly. But he does play a mean acoustic guitar on a rotating crane thing that K and I were very nervous would malfunction and squash the screaming girls below. 

6. The Biebs still hasn't gone through puberty. I mean, we already determined that with the voice thing, but I have further evidence to prove it. (Wifebeaterbieber, tunic, jammies or dress?) (Either way, he's not filling it out, which leads me to believe the diaper thing is for illusion purposes.)

7. The Biebs really loves his fans. Just look at the lovely purple and mauve flower wreath he made this Belieber wear onstage as he sang "One Less Lonely Girl"! (Again, don't worry about how ugly it is. It's Bieber Fashion and it makes sense in the proper context.)

8. No matter how underdeveloped he is, the Biebs will always bring down the house with this classic. But we really would prefer he keep his sleeveless tunic on. 

9. The Biebs really wants his Beliebers to belieb in their dreabs d-r-e-a-m-s. He's been beliebing since he was two when he played those mad ill beats, so you can do it too! But you have to have been showing some sort of talent by the age of two and have it well documented so you can remind everyone constantly that that's your thing and what sets you apart from the rest and why it's okay to think you're a sex symbol without having gone through puberty yet. 

10. Even if he does ever get muscles, body hair and a normal haircut, he'll always be The Biebs.

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