The great irony in all this is the one place I could have really used that bionic hair missed the super-gene memo: my eyes. Now let me explain something about my eyes first, before you read the rest of this post and think I'm full of myself, shallow, crazy...you know, all those things adult boys say when they don't have the poetic eloquence to come up with "Hairy Mary." When I was 7 years old I was in a bad bike accident, and in the ER the surgeon effectively gave me a chin tuck. Post-op, the surgeon explained to my parents what miracle he'd worked, and my parents agreed that he'd done a beautiful job. Since it was only 3 a.m. and he was there all night, he offered to give me an eye lift...
*pause* *take that in for a second* *and remember that I was 7* *years* *old*
...since I had a lot of excess skin around my eyes and I was "going to need one later in life anyway."
I tell you this so you can understand where my eye complex came from. By the time I was deemed Hairy Mary, I was already familiar with obsessing over an imperfection. So when Seventeen told me to determine my greatest quality and celebrate it, by golly I did! And, I should note, I looked like a farm girl who wasn't allowed to cut her hair.
I'll spare you from the complete history of my beauty woes, but I'll just tell you this -- my lashes are short, straight and blonde-tipped, which makes them look even shorter. They molt several times a year, leaving me with gaps, and all that "excess skin" my plastic surgeon warned me about is still there because, in case you were wondering!, my parents declined his offer for the eye lift. So now I have what's referred to as a "hooded eye." Curious if you, too, are plagued with a hooded eye? Here's a helpful chart to find out:
Notice how the hooded eye looks sad and lonely? It is truly the worst of all the eyes. Also, when I did a Google search for "hooded eye," one of the links was to the blog "How I Lost Half of Me and Became Whole." I didn't read the post, but I'm guessing she got an eye lift.
For years I bought expensive mascara with my babysitting money and heated up my metal eyelash curler with a hairdryer, often burning my lids in the process, but it was THE ONLY WAY. But then eyelash extensions became available to the masses for a bargain $100!
Can you believe how long my lashes are?! They were touching my eye hood! But, okay, I am not a baller and I could not afford $100 every 3-4 weeks. Plus, they start to fall out and it looks weird. So I went to CVS and bought separate falsies and glue.
Isn't that amazing?! They were so striking that Noli had to look away. Too much to handle. Here's another view so you can see just how great they were.
I mean, wow, you can even go wakeboarding with them and they stay on. Amazing. The only problem was they lasted a week at best, and then this started to happen:
I did that for one summer, and then I decided to retire the falsies. I had one very sad month of microscopic lash syndrome because when I pulled off the falsies, most of my lashes came off with them. But then, a beacon of hope...
I immediately tricked my doctor into giving me a prescription (he'd never heard of it). Within a month, I had been transformed, eyebrows and all!
Okay, so, I can't find any Latisse pictures...but here's what happened to Brooke Shields when she used it:
And it's really true. I know I took before and after photos at some point and never wrote about it, but please believe me that this stuff works! However, once doctors started wising up that it was actually glaucoma medicine being sold at five times the price for a superficial white girl problem, my doctor stopped writing me prescriptions and told me to try castor oil instead. (The idea being if you thoroughly clean your eyes they have a better chance at growing.) But when your root problem is your eyelashes are pathetic to begin with, castor oil doesn't do a whole lot. And I know because I bought a big bottle and slathered it on my eyes for several weeks.
Deeply disappointed that my source of eyelash power had been stripped away (and secretly envious of people with glaucoma -- shameful, I know), I decided to switch up my mascara. I'd been using Cover Girl Lash Blast for years, but Maybelline Rocket Volum (why isn't there an "e" on the end of "volum"?!?!?!??!) was on sale and the tube looked pretty similar to Lash Blast and I liked the color combo better (purplish blue and pink).
At first I hated it -- partly because I got the waterproof kind by accident (that one is purplish blue and turquoise), but also because it was so heavy and kinda clumpy and basically impossible to get off of my lashes (again, largely attributed to the waterproof aspect, but the non-waterproof isn't terribly different). But at this point, since I'd bought it twice now, I kept using it. After a couple of weeks of getting used to it, not only did I notice my lashes looked long and thick and stayed curled pretty well, but they weren't molting, and I swear they are growing. This mascara does not make any claims about making your lashes grow, but something miraculous is going on.
Oh, I guess you can't tell the difference if I censor my scary before lashes/hooded eye in bad lighting. Okay...don't call me any names y'all, I'm delicate here...
Incredible, right? Can you see how sad my lashes are sans mascara?
This is life-changing! And it's less than $10! (At Target you can get it for less than $6!) I will say, the clumpiness is still an issue, and it flakes some, but what-evs, the benefits outweigh that big time. After I apply a coat, I curl them up (no heating requried!)...
...and then I just use my eyebrow comb to separate the lashes and comb out any clumps.
I don't even bother putting it on my lower lashes. Who needs those when your upper lashes are so fab? Seriously, how in the world do they become so long and voluminous after one application?!
P.S. I just did a Google search of Rocket Volum and actually it's "Rocket Volum'Express," hence the missing "e." Ehh...their branding could be better. Who cares. This stuff is awesome.