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My Life According to Britney Spears According to Facebook

Jun 17, 2013

You know how Facebook changes the layout of your page at least once a month? Of course you do! I typically don't take the time to pay much attention to the changes, but something caught my eye today, and that was the "Notes" section that we used to blog in before we realized we could just start a blog. (Or was that just me?) 

My posts were pretty dumb, but this one I thought I'd share, especially since today Britney released her new single, "Ooh La La" (not for a new album, but for the movie Smurfs 2.)

Present-day commentary will be in italics. If you'd like to do your own version, do it in the comments! But please don't start an email chain that will eventually spam me via an obscure family member. However, you may Email My Heart. (Yes, that is an actual Britney Song.)

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to at least 15 people and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick your Artist:

Are you a male or female?

Truth: I couldn't get through this movie.

Fun Fact: Dido wrote this song.

Describe yourself:

Fun Fact: R. Kelly wrote and produced this track. 

Also, "Outrageous" was supposed to be the first or second single of the album, but Britney pushed for "Me Against the Music" and "Toxic." Smart lady!

How do you feel: 


"I Wanna Go" would work better here. My abs are never gonna look like hers. 

Fun Fact: "Stronger" plays of of "Baby One More Time," where she sings, "My loneliness is killing me." In "Stronger" Britney tells us, "My loneliness ain't killin' me no more." 

Describe where you currently live:

If I can take some poetic liberty here, I really live in "Gimme More" considering how much clutter has piled up lately. Time for my yearly purge!

Fun Fact: In the video, Britney sprays herself with her then-signature fragrance, Curious, which was my signature fragrance for the next three years. 

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:

This response made sense to me back then. Now that I've been on a gazillion blind dates, "Circus" would be a better fit here because, minus the clowns, that would probably be a fun outing, don't you think? Oh gosh, this is what happens when you're a thirtysomething...  

Fun Fact: "Boys" was co-written and produced by Pharell Williams. 

Also, the song was recently mashed up with Justin Bieber's "Boyfriend." Yessssssss please.

Your favorite form of transportation:

HA! I'm so clever. However, considering my previous choice, I'm surprised I didn't put "Trip to Your Heart." 

Fun Fact: Glee mixed this song with Aerosmith's "Crazy" in the "Britney 2.0" episode -- an homage to their 2001 Super Bowl Halftime performance?

Your best friend is:

Fun Fact: Blink 182 covered "Lucky" but it's really hard to find it. Britney sounds much better singing it, but I think that was kind of the point.

What's the weather like:

"Chaotic" would also be appropriate as of late.

Fun Fact: T-Pain co-wrote and performed on this track.

Favorite time of day:

Fun Fact: Blink 182's video for "All the Small Things" was a parody of the "Sometimes" video. Did Blink 182 secretly have a crush on her?! 

Also, during Britney's "The Onyx Hotel Tour," she told the audience she never liked this song.

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called:

This episode? Taught me the dance. I miss Must-See TV.

What is life to you: ("Me Against the Music")

Glee's Brittany S. Pierce thought she was Britney Spears and sang this song during a gas-induced fantasy at the dentist's office, leaving me wishing my name was Brittany S. and wondering what Britney's breath really smells like. 

Your fear:

Way to stick it to everyone who made fun of you for your "Gimme Me" performance at the 2007 VMAs. In fairness, it wasn't the greatest of comebacks, but this certainly was.

Fun Fact: "Womanizer" was a sequel to "Toxic." 

What is the best advice you have to give:

I had never heard of this song until I went to my very first Britney concert. I felt like a Britney-Fan-Failure when Megan sang along to every word. 

Not-So-Fun Fact: Louis Vuitton sued Jive Records for the use of its logo all over the dashboard of a pink Hummer in this video. I don't see the LV in the video I'm guessing part of the settlement was to take it out. Whoopsies!

Thought for the Day:

Fun Fact: This song was co-written by Keri Hilson, who I went to high school with! Keri was somewhat shy and was in Chorus while I was busy laying the groundwork for my superstar journalism career in Newspaper. #fail

How I would like to die:

Well OBVIOUSLY it would now be "Till the World Ends" (full line: "Keep on dancing till the world ends"). 

Fun Fact: "Toxic" earned Britney her first Grammy and is widely considered her best song. It was her 4th Top 10 Single in the United States and was ranked the 4th best song of the decade by a 2009 reader poll in Rolling Stone. (Rolling Stone ranked it No. 44.). 4 realz, y'all.

My soul's present condition:

Fun Fact: Britney wrote this song (not for Toyota, but for her girlfriends). 

My motto: 

I would definitely change my answer to "Piece of Me." I hit my best game of Top Golf whilst singing along to it, and when it ended I knocked over a bucket of golf balls and they rolled onto the ground below us (we were on the second level). I blame it on the song ending, obviously. 

Fun Fact: This song is about Britney being pregnant, although she wrote it two weeks before finding out she was pregnant with Jayden. Creepy! 

The Urban Juror (Part 3)

Jun 12, 2013

Weeeeeeeeeeeeell this is embarrassing. I've actually had this third part mostly written for a month and a half. Before you find out the ending -- because I know you're all on the edge of your seats! -- I'll give you a quick rundown of why I've been so lazy about blogging:

1) Overall, the job I took last summer was very demanding of my time, and I didn't have much mental energy to write.

2) I went on vacation to the West Coast in March, came back to work, and almost immediately went back to the West Coast for a family emergency.

3) Soon after, I had scheduled surgery on my ankle (the one that I've been complaining about for almost three years).

4) I was laid off. 

5) I started a new job working on military stuff again, which I've decided is my calling in life. PR was fun for a while, but, as you know, I heart the Department of Defense

6) While
funemployed (as I tried to convince myself it was every day of that very scary month), I got through the first season of "Prison Break" and several episodes of "Lockdown," a documentary series about what it's like inside America's prisons. I am never breaking the law.

Now that the "Prison Break" fellas have broken out (and season two is getting pretty hokie), I'm ready for a little break of my own, which is why I'm back here. And now, without further ado, the conclusion to "The Urban Juror."

(Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here)

The next morning was dark and dreary, foreshadowing my impending doom? I only took one bag -- having learned the very painful lesson from the day before (my shoulders hurt for three days, and not in that "I-feel-the-burn-and-now-am-less-fat" way) -- with one magazine, my book, laptop, a peanut butter and honey sandwich and Cool Ranch Doritos, and two bottles of water (still not trusting the water source in a public building). I left my apartment for court with plenty of time to get there, but I arrived 10 minutes late because someone had been struck at Gallery-Place and the trains were single tracking.

MORE VAGRANTS!!! I thought. I immediately felt terrible since someone could have very well died, but since the events of the day before, all I could think about was how annoying it was that people engage in unlawful tomfoolery in the first place. Those people were keeping normal, law-abiding citizens like me from our respectable jobs, which we need to go to in order to pay taxes to keep the city running. And now, here I am having to put that aside and give up my time to deal with their bad choices, yet we need normal, law-abiding citizens to be responsible for this sort of thing so justice will be served and we can keep more incidents like this one from happening. We must show there will be consequences for their bad behavior. 

Or something like that. Honestly, I was still wondering if I could pull this off:

But because no one knew that, I decided to put off the "responsible citizen" vibe and entered the court room feeling smugly civic again, with about 60 other unfortunate souls, many of whom I hadn't noticed the day before. The defendants were looking quite innocent on this second day, but I felt little sympathy for them. We sat in our same seats, and the white noise came on. Somehow, the woman who had been sitting next to me the day before had not yet figured out that jury duty was boring and you should probably bring a book. I spent most of the morning writing the first part of this story, and she read along and chuckled every once in a while. It was sort of rude, but her laughter was so gratifying, it egged me on to write more and more outlandish (but true!) things. I figured she would appreciate it more than anyone else, so I adjusted in my seat to angle my laptop screen toward her and pretended not to notice she was laughing. 

Four hours in, we were dismissed for lunch. As I was wandering around looking for a place to sit and eat, I noticed a familiar face: former-roomie Margaret's boyfriend! We exchanged empathetic looks. He was going through what I'd gone through the day before. I told him how I might miss Jamie's wedding. He hadn't yet had the chance to tell the judge why he was a bad fit for the jury. I was fearful my reasons weren't good enough and there was no way I was getting out of the four-week civil service. 

It was beginning to feel like we were the ones on trial. (Too dramatic?)

He must have seen the look of doom in my eyes because he suddenly changed the subject. "I'm asking Margaret to marry me this weekend." [Editor's Note: It has been so long ago that this happened that they've actually gotten married.] He showed me the ring that he got off her Pinterest page (it looked something like this) and he told me all about his proposal strategy. It was kind of complicated so I don't remember it all that well now, but it involved a train, which right there sounds romantic and original and maybe a bit dangerous. The main takeaway was he got her ring off her Pinterest page, which obviously prompted me to set up a board titled "A Girl Can Dream." And no, it's not a hidden board, DUH.

Oh, but I guess the bigger takeaway was that I decided during that conversation that I didn't want to be on a jury, at least not at that time. (During Funemployment 2013 I would make up for this with about a dozen speeding and parking tickets, so it all goes full circle. Yay.)

Long story short but at this point it's still pretty long...I went back into the courtroom and waited impatiently for a few more hours, and then the judge called out names for the jury. This is really terrible to say, but they called a girl who looked kind of like me, and after that I hoped willed knew that I was safe, because there was no way another one of us was going to make it on the jury. 

And, when the judge dismissed the rest of us, I am very sorry to say that this played through my head as I walked out of the court room:

(Definitely too dramatic.)

In the end, I got a $4 check from DC, which helped pay for the $300 in fines they hit me with in May. (They're also trying to charge me $400 for something else, but that's another story for another post if I ever decide to write on my blog again.) I got to go to San Diego for Jamie's wedding, and I have no idea what happened to those poor boys being charged with murder. I do have more sympathy for them now, though, since I watched "Inside Bloods and Crips: LA Gangs" (one of the many from Funemployment 2013), a telling look into how gangs form and why guns are so prevalent in gang culture. And now knowing what I know about prison, sitting in a courtroom for a month doesn't seem so bad. Unless you're being charged with murder of course. 

Hence the moral of this story (I think?): Don't break the law! But do expect to pay lots of fines regardless of how upstanding a citizen you are.