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My Fall TV Picks

Sep 4, 2012

One thing I love about my 30s is feeling zero guilt, shame or self-pity for watching so much TV. I love it. Jason Bateman, child TV star and adult comic genius, said once that he watched a ton of TV as a kid and turned out just fine. I, on the other hand, was not allowed to watch more than two hours a day as a kid, and, as you can see, I did not grow up to be famous, rich or married with two kids, as he did.

That's the thing about being in your 30s -- you are a bona fide grown-up. And because I had an *obviously* terrible childhood, I have a lot of catching up to do now that I'm calling all the shots. Also, I had a dream last night that my college ex, Stefan, -- who dumped me because he prefers Asian girls -- and I had reunited and become a modern day Bonnie & Clyde, except I chickened out and turned him into the cops. Of course I had to look him up on Facebook immediately, and sure enough, he has a bunch of photos of him with Asian girls all over his page. At least I know he wasn't lying. I shouldn't feel bad for getting dream revenge, right? Probably should be concerned that I'm dreaming about an ex from 12 years ago though...

Wait, what am I talking about? Oh yeah, TV. I think my point was that it's okay to watch a lot of TV if you don't have a boyfriend and decided to cancel your eHarmony subscription because, after an entire year of giving online love a shot, it's just not working. Moving on.

Holy moly, y'all, my fall lineup is sooooooooo good. I think we're getting back to a golden age, one like we haven't seen since the early- to mid-90s. (TGIF, "Friends," "ER," "Seinfeld," "Beverly Hills, 90210," "The X-Files," Hallmark Hall of Fame movies -- you know, all the good stuff before reality TV and the writers' strike ruined it all.)

Right now all I have is "Breaking Bad" (scratch that -- I didn't realize the last episode of this year was this past weekend...HANK KNOWS!!!) and "Project Runway," so I am PUMPED for fall this year. Here's what I'll be watching, in no particular order, except for the first one because I'm most excited about it:

The Mindy Project
Where: FOX
When: Tuesdays at 9:30 p.m., premieres September 25th
Why: Loved her on "The Office" (which will end after this season, and it's about time. Ricky Gervais was onto something when he ended the British version after two seasons), lurved her book and she tweeted back to me when I Twitter raved about how great this show is. She wrote "The Mindy Project" with the idea that the sidekick best friend in romantic comedies -- not the skinny blonde -- should be the main character, because she's the relatable one. I've watched the sneak preview pilot on Comcast On Demand three times already (watch online here). I haven't girl crushed this hard since "Bridget Jones's Diary."
Favorite Quote: "My body mass index is not great, but I'm not like Precious or anything, you know?"
Bonus Quote: Mindy: "I think he's Hugh Grant in About A Boy." Sidekick Skinny Blonde: "I think he's Hugh Grant in real life."


Once Upon A Time
Where: ABC
When: Sundays at 8 p.m., premieres September 30th
Why: All my favorite fairytale characters in one place and turned into real life people?! This is storytelling at its best. Yes, I said AT ITS BEST. Also love that the metaphorical knight in shining armor is a woman, even if she is a skinny blonde. SO EXCITED to see what new characters we get this season!!!

SPOILER ALERT!!!


Favorite Quote: "You're their only hope." "Then they're all screwed."

New Girl
Where: FOX
When: Thursdays at 8:30 p.m., premieres September 25th
Why: In theory we should all girl hate Zooey Deschanel, with all her adorkableness and pretty bangs and velvety singing voice. But I think we all secretly want to be her a little bit. Plus, the guys on "New Girl" crack me up and make me wish -- for 30 minutes, once a week -- that I live with guys. Especially Fat Schmidt.


Favorite Quote: "I know you probably think cupcakes are totally lame. I know I do. So if you could do me a solid and take care of these extras." (Jess sucking up to her landlord, trying to get him to fix stuff in the apartment)

Up All Night
Where: NBC
When: Thursdays at 8:30 p.m., (premiere unconfirmed, possibly September 20th) (UPDATE: My guess was correct!)
Why: This show did not get enough props last season. Christina Applegate, Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph starring together with an adorable little baby girl? Are you kidding me?! They are so funny, endearing, smart...and that kid is super cute. I hope this is what my life will look like when I have a baby. Please watch so NBC doesn't cancel it.
Favorite Quote: "I just did a solo Target experience. It's actually a pretty eclectic crowd."


30 Rock
Where: NBC
When: Thursdays at 8 p.m., premieres October 4th
Why: Liz Lemon is my generation's Lucy Arnez. Tina Fey and the whole TGS crowd make some of the funniest TV we've seen in years. This show helped save NBC comedy, and while it's got some stiff competition now, it's hangin' in there.  But for the record, Stone Mountain, Georgia, is not full of Kenneths. More like Toofers.
Favorite Quote: "Woohoo! Another successful interaction with a man!"
Bonus Quote: "I'm not racist. Every night when I ride the subway home I'm terrified of all those teenage people." (Metro youths...*shudder*)


Parks and Recreation
Where: NBC
When: Thursdays at 9:30 p.m., premieres September 20th
Why: Amy Poehler is runner-up for funniest lady on TV, plus Ron Swanson's mustache is awesome. And who could forget Treat Yo Self? I know they're making fun of government, but Leslie Knope inspires me to run for office someday. I'm not kidding.
Favorite Quote: "Oh Ann, I always forget that because you're so pretty you're not used to rejection."


The League
Where: FX
When: I don't know, but I'm putting it in the mix on good faith that it will be soon. (UPDATED: Premiering Thursday, October 11 at 10 p.m. WOO!!!!)
Why: "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" got a little too out there, and this is what I imagine true bromances are like. Ladies love it because the sole female character is better at Fantasy Football than any of the guys. Watch with caution, though. It's FX, so anything goes. You will be offended...by yourself because you think the show is so funny.
Favorite Quote: "I'm going to tweet your face."



The X Factor
Where: FOX
When: Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8 p.m., premieres September 12th
Why: Britney Spears is hosting, so this is really a no-brainer.
Favorite Quote: TBD!!! Especially looking forward to when people sing her songs.


The Walking Dead
Where: AMC
When: Sundays (TBD on time), premieres October 14th
Why: I'm a closet zombie lover, and it's filmed in my home state of Georgia, which, unlike Honey Boo Boo Child (I can't, y'all, I just can't), does not reflect badly upon Georgia, except for the whole zombies-taking-it-over thing. You know what I mean. I can't believe they killed off Shane -- twice -- but I'm really interested in the hooded zombie torturer, who we all now know is a woman. Girl power all up in this fall TV season! Props to the actors for not faking the stereotypical "southern" accent. Theirs sound almost authentic.
Favorite Quote: "I'm the one black guy. You realize how precarious that makes my situation?"



I think Jason Bateman would be proud, don't you? (New "Arrested Development" episodes next year!!!)

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