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The best $20 I ever spent

May 19, 2009

DISCLAIMER: At this point I think I have more male readers than female, so let me warn you boys right off the bat, this blog posting is about a "lady" subject. I've either piqued your curiosity or freaked you out. Either way, you were warned.

Dating in DC is near impossible (as if I haven't conveyed the point clearly already). For me it's been many flops with very few [stomach] flips, and really, what's the point of dating if you don't lose a few pounds from being so excited/sick you can't eat?

After a year of batting my eyelashes, flipping my hair, and letting my dog, Noli, run up to handsome strangers then declaring, "Oh my, I am SO sorry!", I decided to try a modern approach at dating and joined Match.com. If I had started this blog back in January when my new dating plan went into motion, you would have laughed your head off and vowed never to join a dating Web site. After three months of blind dating (with only one second date) I gave up on the Match thing. What I took away from it was it got me dating again and I got some practice on my conversationalist skills (and sometimes I got no practice because it turns out some people like to talk even more than I do!). I did, however, feel pretty hopeless. With my membership over, I was doomed to another summer of walking Noli alone.

Then something amazing happened. I haven't been shy about my recent weight gain, but all I have done is bemoan it and complain about how none of my clothes fit. Summertime in the South (which spans all the way to Maryland, I recently found out) is no time to squeeze into things that don't fit. It's uncomfortable, and you risk not being able to get out of them if you swell in the heat. For my birthday I got a gift certificate to T.J. Maxx, so I bought a maxi dress with built-in cups (no bra necessary!) for $19.99. One afternoon I walked home in my suit and had drenched my silk top in sweat by the time I arrived at my apartment. Noli was going nuts, and with the opening of a new dog park three blocks away I thought it might be nice to take her over to play. I peeled off my layers of work clothes and slipped the maxi dress over my head. Ahhhh...breezy and light...perrrrfect.

I grabbed my sunglasses and stepped outside. People were trickling home from work, walking from the Metro, and they all seemed very friendly. Hmm, must be the sunshine, I thought as I said hello to a guy walking by me with a big grin plastered across his face. When I got to the crosswalk I saw my neighbor across the way, decked out in his suit and carrying his briefcase. When he saw me he stayed put instead of crossing. Once I had made it to the other side he greeted me with, "Hi! You just get better looking every time I see you!"

Heh heh...huh? "Oh, well thanks!" I replied awkwardly.

"Where are you off to, looking so hot?" he asked with a smile resembling that of the last four guys I had passed.

"Um, heh heh, the dog park."

"Mind if I join?"

Seriously? If I had been burning up in a skirt, I couldn't imagine how he must feel. But if he really wanted to...

"Be my guest."

Once in the park, Noli was being a little scaredy-cat, so I had to walk her around because she would not leave my side. Halfway around I passed a man who had brought his much larger dog.

"I hope my dog doesn't jump on you!" he said in my direction. The dog was lying in the grass under a tree, so I just ignored the guy.

"It looks like you just came from a wedding! I hope my dog doesn't ruin your dress!" he tried again.

"Oh, I'm sure it's fine. It's just a maxi dress, anyway, no big deal," I assured him.

"You're so dressed up for the dog park!" he said. Dude, why are you so fixated on my dress?
"It's a cheap maxi, really, it's a summer dress. It's fine."

"Oh, well let me tell you about every random fact I know about everything I can think of for the next 20 minutes to keep you standing there so I can freely ogle your breasts."

Okay so that's not exactly what he said, but you get the point. And it was in that 20 minutes of me zoning out and murmuring, "Uh huhs" and "Oh, wows" that it hit me -- I had forgotten and despised my own personal commodity -- boobs!

The next few days I told my girlfriends about my discovery.

"Could it really be this easy?!!" I would exclaim, and I got the same answer from each one of them.

"What kind of guy do you want to attract?"

Aww, c'mon! But, alas, after more consideration of the subject, I realized they were right. That kind of attraction may have been okay in college, but now I'm a "serious" girl. Gosh, I might as well start calling myself a "woman." Oh BLAH.

Feeling all alone in my quest for love again (actually, I would take sort-of-like at this point), I was happy that the new season of The Bachelorette was starting and I could at least watch someone on TV who had it easy. The 25 guys were introducing themselves to Jillian one by one, and then one of them stepped out of the limo and I had the weirdest feeling. I know him!

I watched closely for the rest of the episode and somehow knew that I had not met this guy before, but he must be a celebrity of some sort because I had seen his picture. I was relaying my weird feeling to Joanna the next day when it hit me -- and her -- at the same time.

"Was he one of your matches?" she asked as I thought OMG HE WAS ONE OF MY MATCHES!

So at least I'm not the only one having trouble with the whole dating dilemma. In case you're wondering, my match, who I never went out with, is Juan, and the more I watch him the more I think he is super lame. Here's a quote from David, one of the cooler guys, that pretty much sums it up for me: "He's breaking man code left and right." Thanks, ABC, for saving me from a guy who breaks the man code. Whatever that is, I'm pretty sure it should be adhered to.

1 comment:

  1. WOW! THAT'S CRAZY. I haven't watched a dating reality show in ages, but I'm into the Bachelorette this season.

    Juan was LAME... David turned out to be an ass though.

    I feel like they should do a better job of screening the guys for Jil.

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