My mother has been reading my blogs, and she thinks I'm conceited.
Let's get the record straight, mother. I'm not conceited, I'm honest. (Don't you love how we can say that, Romy?) You birthed a beautiful babe, what can I say? I owe it all to you.
As long as we're setting the record straight, I'd also like to declare that I'm not a husband hunter. Boy crazy? Yes. Husband hunter? No.
If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm extremely heterosexual, and I act like a 15-year-old when I get around a cute guy. When I was 15 my behavior made sense, but now that I'm almost 30, I have no explanation and have simply learned to accept my social disorder.
That being said, I would like to point out that if I were a husband hunter I would be married right now. I've seen "Bridezillas," so I know it can't be that difficult to trick some dumb guy into marrying me. Or I could be like Heidi and completely abandon my friends, family, career, and sense of self to get married multiple times to a really weird looking guy. Even a quadriplegic lady found a husband on a dating Web site. Yes, if I were a husband hunter, I would have already caught my prey.
But since I've been asked "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" by family members, coworkers, and my hairdresser for 10 years, I decided to do some soul searching to find out why I'm always single. I whittled the list down to 10 reasons:
1. They're all just not that into me. Thanks for opening my eyes, Greg!
2. I'm intimidating. Haven't we all heard this one before? But Greg says that intimidation doesn't matter. It's more of a challenge for the guy, maybe. But if he's really into you, he'll gladly take the challenge. I went out with a guy once who told me he'd seen me around campus for a year and always knew it was me because of my mass of fiery hair, and he was afraid to ask me out. But after a year he mustered up the courage and went for it.
3. There aren't enough guys in DC and way too many girls. A really nice excuse that all of my DC girlfriends use when they are single. Except all the sudden they're all dating and I'm the only single one...hmm...moving on...
4. I'm coming off as desperate. Maybe so, but everyone's laughing, and that's the most important thing. Oh, but you're not laughing at me, right? You're laughing with me. Right?
5. I get in the friend zone too often. So I have this weird desire to be every guy's big sister/pseudo wife. I like to give helpful advice and cook for people. Is that a crime?
6. My standards are too high/I'm too picky. Probably.
7. I just haven't found "the one". I don't believe in "the one" anymore. How many billions of people are on the earth? I only need one, but there are plenty to choose from. I just haven't found anyone that meets my standards, that's all.
8. I give too much information about myself right off the bat. Lauren told me this recently after I made a joke about getting some plastic surgery done (I said I had fat injected into my arm flab area). Again, I like to be honest, and oftentimes I enjoy turning my honesty into humor. Everyone laughed when I said it, so what's the problem?
9. I'm too good looking. A variation of the intimidation. Except in DC being too good looking is truly a handicap. Pretty is the new ugly in this town. (Hmm, maybe I am conceited...nah.)
10. Boys are stupid. I've known this for at least 25 years, but Raghav, Ashmi's boyfriend, confirmed it the other night. "Boys are stupid and therefore do not ask out the fantastic women around them," he said. Yaaaaaaaaay Raghav! BTW, Raghav, you may meet my standards. If the whole finding-your-soulmate-in-Ashmi thing doesn't work out, gimme a call.